Harry Potter and the Next Generation
by Rage13
Summary: Harry Potter meets Star Trek in a very odd parody. USS Hogsmeade? A Klingon Snape? It just gets weirder and weirder....
1. The Arrival of the Students

The Hogwarts Space station hung in the void like a gigantic Christmas ornament, sparkling with light and magic. Captain Albus Picard sat in his chair in the Great Hall. He turned to Sirius Riker.

"Are you prepared for the arrival of the students?" he asked.

His first officer nodded. "Yes, sir. All the guest quarters are ready."

"Excellent. Lieutenant Lupin, what is the estimated arrival time of the transport vessel?"

The android, looking rather scruffier than usual, owing to his recent werewolf transformation, consulted the panel in front of him.

"_USS Hogsmeade[/I]_ en route; ETA, three hours."

"Ah. That gives us plenty of time for a game of wizard's chess." He turned, smiling placidly, to look at a man standing off to one side, glowering. "Worferus, feeling up to a game?"

He black-robed Klingon scowled. "I am _not_[/I]," he replied. "I have much more important things to do, such as re-inventory my potions ingredients, as _someone_[/I]" – here he shot a hate-filled glance at Data Lupin – "continues to deplete my supply of wolfsbane!"

The stinging remark caused just about everyone in the room to wince, except Picard and Data.

"Very well, then, Snape, make it so." He waved a hand dismissively and turned his attention back to Sirius Riker. "Perhaps Dr. Pomfrey would be interested."

On his other side, someone cleared their throat. He turned to regard Tasha McGonagall, Security Headmistress of the station. "Something the matter, Lieutenant?"

She nodded brusquely. "Yes, sir. May I remind the Captain that Article One, Section 12, Subsection B of the Code of Wizarding clearly states that…"

"Yes, yes, Tasha, I am well aware of our bylaws…having helped write several of them myself."

"You've said that before, Captain." Riker reminded him.

"Oh, I have? Well, then, nevermind."

Further discussion was interrupted by the door swishing open and a figure sailing in. Her large, brown eyes were hidden behind spectacles slightly too large for her face, and her hair spilled down around her shoulders.

"Ah, Lieutenant Troilawney," Picard said, "how lovely of you to join us."

She smiled faintly and glided over to the chair on the Captain's left side. "I was just reading a new dissertation on the ordinances of Divination, when my empathic third-sense discerned the feelings of happiness and joy that my fellow colleagues would feel if I joined them in the Great Hall…not to mention the certain _other_[/I] feelings that _other_[/I] staff members might be also feeling." She looked pointedly at Sirius Riker, who merely coughed, turned red, and pretended to be studying his console readout.

Picard stood and tugged down his uniform robe. "Well, I will leave you two to discuss whatever it is you want to discuss. I think I'll take a stroll down to Ten Forward for some refreshment."

On the way, he bumped into Transporter Chief Hagrid O'Brien. "Ah, Hagrid," he said pleasantly, "are the reactors functioning at full capacity? We have a ship-load of students arriving in a few hours."

"Aye, Cap'n," he replied gruffly, "ever'thin's jus' tip-top shape! No problems at all, not a one!" He seemed somewhat edgy and nervous.

Picard smiled gently. "Hagrid, are you incubating Horta eggs in the circuitry again?"

The big man looked sheepish. "It's jus' that…well, Fluffy's been feelin' kinda lonely, so I thought he migh' enjoy having er playmate, an'…"

"Very well, Hagrid, very well…just be sure to keep them well fed." Picard turned and continued on his way, eager for something to wet his whistle. He hoped the bar was fully stocked.

He made it to Ten Forward without further interruption, where he found Filius Quarkwick ordering some house elves about.

"Good afternoon, Quarkwick," he said. "Keeping busy?"

The mutant Ferengi positively beamed at the captain. "These house elves are terrific!" he exclaimed. "They work like crazy and you never have to pay them." Then he frowned. "Except that one, whatsisname, _Dobby_[/I]. Sent him down to engineering, couldn't stand to have him around."

"Now, Quarkwick," Albus Picard said, chiding, "I hired Dobby in good faith, and he wanted paying. The least you could do is give him some gold-pressed Galleons for his trouble."

"Trouble! Hah! He'd eat me out of house and Knuts, if I let him! Anyway," he said, rubbing his hands together, "what can I do for you? You don't often come down here…can I get you a drink? Perhaps Jibetan red-current ale?"

"Saurian Butterbeer, if you have it," came the reply. Quarkwick waved his wand and floated two bottles of the stuff from off a shelf.

"Just took on a fresh supply today," he said, "from Honeyduke IV. This is prime stuff, this is! I'll join you in a bottle."

"Not on my tab, I assume," Picard said, looking at him over the top of his half-moon glasses.

"Wouldn't dream of it, Captain! Five Sickles, please."

After being thoroughly swindled by Quarkwick, Picard left and decided to stop in and see Doctor Pomfrey. He bumped into Odo Filch on the way, who was furious.

"Captain, you MUST do something about…about…about _that child!_[/I]" he spluttered angrily.

Picard looked confused. "Child? Odo, my dear man, the students haven't even arrived yet and you're already discovering things to blame them for?"  


"It's not a student," he snarled, "it's…it's…."

Comprehension dawned on Picard's face. "Ah, I see. The young Wildman girl."

"That's the one!" Odo growled. "If you'd just let me whip her, sir…or hang her by her thumbs in a Jeffries tube, or…"

Picard raised his hand to silence the man. "I'm sorry, Odo, but I cannot allow you to do that. Why, if I were to resort to physical violence, I'd be no better off than that Borg Queen, Umbrige."

Odo stumped off, muttering, "At least with assimilation, everybody behaves…."

Shaking his head bemusedly, Picard headed off down the corridor, only to nearly fall on his face when a child ran headlong into his knees. He looked down and smiled.

"Ah, well, hello there, Seffi Wildman. Have you been giving Mr. Filch a hard time again?"

"And her mother, too!" A loud voice echoed from around the corner, and another woman strode into view. Seffi tried to run off again, but Picard scooped her up and handed her back to her mother, B'Ella Torres.

"Takes after her mother, doesn't she, B'Ella?"

She snorted. "And huffs like her father when she doesn't get her way," she said.

"I beg your pardon?" Worferus Snape was standing behind her, arms folded, brows furrowed, looking intensely irritable. 

"Nothing!" B'Ella said brightly, smiling at him. "I've been looking for your, Worferus. Might I speak to you in your quarters?'

By the time Picard returned to the Great Hall, the _USS Hogsmeade_[/I] had finally arrived and had docked with the station.

"Students are all on board," Sirius Riker intoned as the captain came into the room.

"Ah, good," he said. "Tasha, I'm assuming you'll want to go and fetch the Sorting Hat for the ceremony?"

"Can't," she said grumpily. "It's on vacation on Risa."

Just then, his combadge chirped. "Pomfrey to Picard, report to the hospital bay immediately."

Frowning, Picard hurried out the door and tried to use the turbolift. The doors wouldn't open.

"Picard to Engineering…status of the turbolifts?"

The voice of B'Ella Torres responded. "Sorry, Captain, but the turbolifts don't work here. Too much magic in the air."

"And don't forget," Riker called after him as he swept out the door, "you can't beam in here, either, with all the wards."

"I know, I know," he said, hurrying down the hallway toward the sickbay wing.

Inside he discovered Wesley Potter lying on a biobed while Dr. Pomfrey fussed over him. His two friends stood anxiously by, waiting for a prognosis.

"What happened?" he demanded.

Dr. Pomfrey looked up. "It was Q again, Captain. He appeared on the _Hogsmeade_[/I] and took the form of a Dementor…poor Harry's unconscious."

Picard sighed. "I suppose I shall have to speak with the Ministry. I have always felt that they were wrong to align themselves with the Q Continuum."

"I'll say!" piped up Jake Weasley. "The bloody thing nearly killed us!"

Dr. Pomfrey shushed him. "Hush now, let Harry rest. I've replicated some chocolate for him, so he'll be up and around shortly. And, Hermione, before you go, I need to run a few diagnostics on you. Hop up here." She patted an empty bed next to Harry's, and the young woman clambered up.

Dr. Pomfrey waved the tricorder wand over Hermione's stomach, causing Ron to turn several shades of green.

"Hermione! You're not pregnant, are you?"

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, honestly, Ron…don't you ever read? It's all in _Star Trek: A History_[/I]."

"What is?"

"Me, you idiot!" she shouted. "I'm a Trill! Why do you think my name's Hermione _Dax_[/I]?!?"

His eyes widened. "So _that's_[/I] why you're so bloody brilliant! And here I thought you only had one brain!"

She rolled her eyes in exasperation.

Captain Albus Picard turned and walked back out into the hallway. Another term had begun.


	2. Klingon Honor

Things were mostly back to normal at Hogwarts Station, Captain Albus Dumbledore mused as he wandered the halls, ducking quickly to avoid being hit by several PADDs that came hurtling around the corner, no doubt carrying important inter-departmental memos. "Why don't they just use the computer system?" he muttered aloud to himself. The Wizarding Federation had worked hard to bring the Muggle people into the fold, the least everyone could do was appreciate their technological advances. 

Meanwhile, in a nearby classroom….

"I see you have botched yet another lesson, Potter," Worferus Snape said menacingly. "As usual, you failed to add the Cardasian Vole claw and did not chop your Orion Wing Slugs finely enough. Your potion is weak."

"Fine," Wesley muttered sullenly, grabbing his bag to leave.

Before he could get very far, Snape and snatched his robes and whirled him around to face him. 

"You are a spineless worm! No true wizard would allow such a slur on his name and his House!" When Potter didn't answer right away, Snape shoved him roughly back and turned away. "Worthless as cold _gagh_…just like your parents…."

Wesley had taken just about all he could from the bullying Lieutenant. Before Hermione could stop him, he had pulled out his Starfleet Standard-Issue Wand and aimed it at Snape's retreating back.

"_Avada Sto-Vo-Kor-a!_" The spell hit Snape square in the back, propelling him forward and over his desk, smashing potion bottles and knocking over still-bubbling cauldrons.

"Call me anything you want, treat me like dirt, I don't care – but _don't ever insult my family again!_" 

"Wesley, NO!" Hermione said, tugging on the back of his robes.

Snape arose slowly from the wreckage of his desk, his eyes flashing, his own wand clenched tightly in his fist.

"You need a good deal more power to cast the Killing Curse on me, Potter," he said. "Righteous anger won't harm me, you have to mean it!"

"I _did_ mean it; you're not dead because Kahless the Unforgettable deemed you unfit for the afterlife."

Hermione winced – she alone understood the slur that Wesley had just given Snape.

Snape raised his wand. "_Bat'lethiosa!_" A weapon appeared in his hand, the curved, double-tipped ceremonial weapon preferred by all Klingon warriors.

"Today is a good day to die, Potter," he snarled.

Potter shrugged. "Not on my agenda, I'm afraid. _Accio phaser rifle!_"

The gun flew into his hand, and he leveled it at his most hated Professor. 

"_Hab SoSlI' Quch_," he said, then pulled the trigger. Snape shot backwards, over the desk again, and slumped in a heap against the dungeon wall. 

The class flew into an uproar, yelling and screaming, half of them fighting to get _to_ Wesley, the other half fighting to get away.

"Wicked!" Jake Weasley said, staring with envy at the Firebolt Phaser Rifle in his friend's hands.

Hermione had her face hidden in her hands. "Oh, Wesley, you _didn't!_ You…you killed a teacher!"

Wesley casually tossed the gun into a chair and shouldered his bag. "Oh, for Pete's sake, Hermione, it was set on stun!"


	3. Divination

Captain Albus Picard and First Officer Commander Sirius Riker were walking the hallways of the Hogwarts Space Station, touring the school, observing its activities. Things were running smoothly, for the most part...a rather unusual occurrence for Hogwarts.

They turned a corner, when suddenly they are forced to duck to avoid several PADDs flying through the air.

The officer shook his head as the flock disappeared down the hall.

"Those things are so annoying!" he grumbled. "Can't you do anything about them?"

The Captain did not look at Riker. "We could always resort to using owls," he replied calmly. "I believe it is the duty of the First Officer to ensure that the corridors and Jeffries Tubes remain free from...droppings."

"Er...nevermind."

But Picard smiled. "But I do agree. Those objects are dangerous hurtling down the corridors. I shall speak to Engineering. Perhaps we can use simple parchment rolls."

Their progress was interrupted again when a turbolift opened ahead and a flood of students poured out, talking and chattering amongst themselves, though somewhat darkly.

Picard nodded in greeting, but Riker was more sociable and stopped Wesley Potter and friends.

"Hold up there," he said. "Where are you headed?"

"Divination, sir," Wesley replied. Jake Weasley snorted and Hermione Dax rolled her eyes.

"Ah. Divination." He paused and harrumphed rather uncertainly. "Well, carry on." Riker waved a dismissive hand and the three students hurried off after their classmates.

The students crowded into Professor Deanna Troilawney's office.

"Gather 'round, children," she said in her sing-songy voice. They gave dubious glances at the cushions and poufs, but sat down anyway.

"Today," she said. "We are going to learn the ancient art of reading raktajino grounds. Go to the replicator, order a cup of raktajino and drink it until the dregs remain. Then drain your cup, pass it to your partner, and interpret the signs you will find using the information on the PADDs at your table."

Wesley Potter and Jake Weasley sat at their table, drinking their raktajino. Hermione Dax joined them.

"Ugh," she said, taking a sip. "It's flavored with hazelnut. I _hate_ hazelnut!"

"Let's just get this over with," Jake grumbled.

They exchanged cups, scrolling through the information on the PADD while peering at their cups.

"You've got a bit here that looks like a Horta," Jake said to Harry. "That means you're going to come across some wealth. And this thing looks sort of like a Ferengi's ear...so I guess that means you'll lose it."

Wesley Potter snorted. "Yours looks like an Talarian hook spider," he countered.

Professor Troilawney appeared by their table. "Well, well, what have we here?" she asked, plucking Wesley's cup out of Jake's hand and studying it. Wesley and Jake exchanged glances.

"Hmmm..." she said, her lips pursed, as she slowly turned the cup counter-clockwise in her hands. "Ah...a Romulan bird-of-prey. You have an enemy, my dear."

The other students scooted back warily.

"Oh, dear, dear...the bat'leth...the phaser.... These are not good signs."

Then, without warning, Professor Troilawney gave a little gasp and swooned gracefully back onto one of the poofy chairs. "Oh, no...my boy, you have the _Gorn!"_

"The _what?_" Wesley asked, confused. "What's a Gorn?"

"They're a fierce, warlike, reptilian species," Hermione Dax intoned. "I read all about them in _Star Trek – A History_."

Wesley turned several shades paler. "It's bad enough with the Q Continuum after me," he muttered to Jake. "But do I have to deal with ugly lizards, too?"

"Only in this class," Jake whispered back, nodding significantly over at their instructor.


End file.
